Draining and Dumping: A Sponge's Dilemma

Dear So and So,

I would like to share with you a hypothetical sponge situation based on real personal sponge experiences:

One of the Sponge's closest sponge acquaintances calls her and leaves a message.  This voice message includes phrases and tones that basically equate to an unhealthy "I need you."  In the past, the Sponge would think, "I'm only imagining this.  This is my problem."  But the new and improved Sponge has noticed a pattern throughout the last couple of years.  Phrases like, "I needed to hear the sound of your voice," or "I need to talk to you" indicate the future conversation will most likely be draining.  Whiny tones or multiple calls in one day or week also indicate an upcoming drainfest.

The Sponge's accumulation of similar experiences show a strong correlation between these subtle conversational undertones and a draining of the Sponge.  A Sponge-draining happens in two ways:

#1: A Pure Water Draining
A Sponge begins the conversation or interaction feeling good and full of pure water.  After a while, the Sponge notices how bad the Acquaintance feels, or wants to help him/her and starts to wring out a bit of pure water for the Acquaintance to absorb.  Sometimes the Acquaintance feels satisfied with that little bit of pure water.  Other times the Acquaintance only becomes thirsty for more and through manipulation, guilt trips, etc. wrings out the Sponge completely.  The Acquaintance leaves the conversation feeling wonderful, but the Sponge leaves it feeling empty and drained.  

#2: A Murky Water Dumping
A Sponge begins the conversation or interaction feeling pretty good.  After a while, the Acquaintance begins to wring his/her murky water out all over the Sponge.  While the Acquaintance unburdens himself/herself from murky water, the Sponge absorbs more and more, eventually leaving the conversation full of someone else's awful water.

Both of these situations describe a transference of water, or energy.  Sometimes a Sponge transfers too much pure water (positive energy) to another person, leaving herself feeling drained.  Other times an Acquaintance dumps murky water (negative energy) on the Sponge.  The amount of energy transference depends on the Sponge's use of her green scrubby shell (boundaries) and/or the Acquaintance's level of intensity, persistence, and neediness.

I, the Fortunate Sponge, have found myself in draining and dumping situations many times.  Despite my best efforts to maintain healthy boundaries and protect myself from too much energy transference, it still happens.

After receiving one such potentially needy message from an Acquaintance, I debated what to do.  My Sponge tool belt of possible response techniques (yes, every Sponge needs one of these) included:

1. Wait it out and then call back: do not respond until you feel safer the neediness has lessened its intensity.
2. Call back immediately: someone needs you!  Help them! 
3. Call back and tell the Acquaintance how you feel, what you've noticed about patterns with them in the past, and try to find a solution.

I voted for number three in this situation.  The only problem was: How do I discuss a subconscious transference of energy with someone who might not see it?  No one likes to discuss their own potential tendency to drain or dump on another person.  Even though the conversation would be difficult, I couldn't ignore the pattern and keep getting drained over and over again.  So I attempted to work through it with the Acquaintance.  The conversation went well in some ways but horribly wrong in other ways.  Although we never reached a common ground, a solution, I did not go backwards into my people-pleaser-everybody-above-myself-mentality.  I stood up for my perceptions and my truths.  However, the Acquaintance did not see himself/herself as being needy.  He/she said "My intentions were purely a wanting to talk and connect with you." 

This experience left me with a question: What do you do when you see things others can't see?  And in addition to that, who's truth is the "right" one?  Is my Acquaintance not seeing the subconscious things going on or am I misinterpreting what I'm seeing?  I could not deny the pattern my experience revealed.  But I also could not tell a person how they were feeling, what their motives were, what their truth was.  Again, what do you do when you see things others can't see?

I still don't have an answer, and this particular question will most likely take me a very long time to peel apart.  In the meantime, I will continue working on building up my green sponge protection, paying attention to how I feel and my own limits, and practicing standing up for myself.  I can't ignore the fact that draining and dumping happens to me, and I can't just let it keep happening.  But I can learn different ways to deal with it, and that is exactly what I'll do.  Here I go!   

Love,
The Fortunate Sponge  

Sponge Experience: Here I am, Stuck in the Middle with You

Dear So and So,

I don't know what it is about sponges.  People seem to love putting them in the middle of things they don't want anything to do with.  I feel Stealers Wheel describes my feelings perfectly.   

"Well, I don't know why I came here tonight. I got a feeling that something ain't right."
Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, here am I stuck in the middle with you.
Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you and I'm wondering what it is I should do."

A clown and a joker have a disagreement.  What to stick in the middle of it?  A sponge.  What could possibly be a better buffer than a sponge?  Its gooey-ness and absorbancy create the best buffer there is.  And while the two buffoons shoot water at each other out of those flower water guns clowns always seem to have around, the sponge just soaks it all in for them.

"It's so hard to keep this smile from my face, losing control, I'm all over the place.
Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, here am I stuck in the middle with you."

Clown disagreements are usually absurd.  A bit of pantomiming and over-dramatic facial expressions.  A pile of assumptions and lack of clarifications.  Obscene gestures.  Maybe some blame rolling around in there too.  And don't forget the very large shoes.  Quite often, these disagreements aren't based in reality at all.  Or possibly even an alternate reality created by the clowns themselves.  
  
"Trying to make some sense of it all, but I can see it makes no sense at all.
Is it cool to go to sleep on the floor? I don't think that I can take it no more."

Despite my pantomiming, gesturing, even addressing the issues head on, people still try so hard to stick me in the middle.  The "peacemaker."  The "glue."  All words for what I have now deemed a "sponge."  Maybe sometimes the clowns should go to Wal-mart and buy their own glue. Maybe sometimes I don't want to be the sponge.   Maybe they should learn to stop using those stupid flower water guns and COMMUNICATE once in a while.  "I feel X, when you do Y, and I would like Z."  Easy cheesy.  Therapist approved.   

"Clowns to left of me, jokers to the right, here am I stuck in the middle with you."

I may get stuck in the middle a lot.  But who says I can't jostle things up a bit?  I can bring my own flower power water gun!  Never underestimate the power of a sponge with a water gun.  Or better yet, I can put up my green scouring pad sponge defenses!  Any water those clowns/jokers/whatever they are squirt at each other "through" me will just bounce right off the green and hit them in the face. 

Maybe then they'll learn that I will not absorb their conflict water anymore.  And finally deal with their own problems face to face and quit putting me in awkward positions I'm not prepared for.  Until they do (which may take a while), I'm working on my scouring pad.  Thickening it up a bit.  Finding those sponge pieces that need more protection.  So it won't matter what situations I find myself in.

Love,
The Fortunate Sponge         

I am a Fortunate Sponge. Hear me ROAR!

Dear So and So,

I am a Sponge, an "absorber."  Sponges are able to feel how other people feel, but not only that, they have a tendency to absorb how others feel.  Many times they can't help but absorb; the holes they have create maximum absorbancy.  I have felt overwhelmed with my "sponge-i-ness" sometimes.  I have felt like it is an "all bad" characteristic.  But being a Sponge isn't "all bad" at all.  The trick is to figure out how to control the tendency to absorb and create a protection from unwanted water.  Being a sponge can actually be a super power.      

So why am I a fortunate sponge? Is there even such a thing as an unfortunate sponge?  Let me paint a little picture for you:

One sponge.  One LARGE pile of dirty dishes.  That's unfortunate.
One sponge.  One bucket of water.  That's one heavy sponge.  How unfortunate.
One sponge.  One blazing sun.  That's one fried-to-a-crisp sponge.  How unfortunate.

These are the day to day experiences of sponges everywhere.  They are used to the point where that whatever-it's-called-outer-layer-of-dark-green-for-really-hard-to-clean-pots-and-pans falls in chunks.  They absorb so much that when you poke them just a bit, water comes squirting out all over the kitchen counter.  Left on the kitchen sink for days without a good rinsing and wringing out, a sponge molds and stinks up the kitchen.  At the other extreme, they become so dry that they can't move anymore.  Plus, some people use them to clean toilets.  Ouch.

Sometimes I fall into the typical sponge experiences like the ones I've illustrated for you so far.  Yet, I'm fortunate.  How could this be?  Let's take a look:   

One sponge.  One LARGE pile of dirty dishes.  A bit of soap.  A bit of dish soaking.  How fortunate.
One sponge.  One bucket of water.  A wringing out, a purging.  That's very fortunate.
One sponge.  One blazing sun.  One rainfall.  That's fortunate. 

After difficult sponge experiences, I end up being alright, although the situation may look very unfortunate at first.  Each sponge experience teaches me a little more about what being a sponge means and how to deal with it, and I learn how to control the sponge super power a little bit more.

Eventually, I hope I will learn to:

Be more aware of what I've absorbed (my inner state) and where it is coming from. 
Control what I absorb.
Control when I absorb.
Withstand a giant bucket of water.
Create a protective barrier, also known as healthy boundaries, or that whatever-it's-called-outer-layer-of-dark-green-for-really-hard-to-clean-pots-and-pans.

I'll get there eventually.  One sponge experience at a time.

Love,
The Fortunate Sponge    

A Very Brief Introduction

Dear So and So,

You are probably wondering why in the world a blog would be entitled "Musings of a Fortunate Sponge." So here is a cute, lil' ol' story for you.  I was clearing out a bunch of papers and crap that had piled up in a box under my bed over the years and came across an old journal.  One of the entries said something like, "I should write a blog called 'Musings of a Fortunate Sponge'."  And so I have.  Here it is.

Love,
The Fortunate Sponge